Where do we go from here?

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“How dare he treat her like that with all that she does for him” I sighed in frustration. “Now tell yourself that. You need to understand that you deserve no different”
I sat there for a long time after my friend said this to me. Understand, I try to focus on the best in people. Until you take a step back. That’s when it’s clear, and you’re able to see they’re not nearly as special as you’d like them to be.
I tell people you’re my best friend. That I love you. That you make me laugh uncontrollably. That you are my absolute favourite person. I don’t tell them that you shut me down when you disagree. I don’t tell them that you make me feel small or you’re not always there when I need you. That you left me when I needed you most.

I begged you kicking and screaming. I asked you not to take our differences to the extreme that you did. I wanted to tell you that if we do this we’ll never be the same. That our friendship will never be as we know it. That we’re both incredibly stubborn and will never recoup. I said nothing. How do you find the words when you’re not convinced this is the last conversation.
I’m sad because I know that this is just how you react when you’re faced with any sort of confrontation. I’m sad because I know that, for you, this isn’t meant to be forever. But I’m afraid it may be for me. I needed you. Really needed you. You said nothing. You literally walked out on my life when I needed you most and I don’t know that I can forgive you for that. 

You are going to miss me. You are going to realize that I was the only constant in your life. That I was the person you shared your highs and more importantly your lows with. That if you were frustrated I’d listen. That you overall just miss my friendship, love and company. I don’t know if you’ll reach out. You’re a stubborn mf so you probably won’t but you’ll realize you fucked up. That you lost the most genuine person in your life over nothing. 

I don’t want to be your one life lesson. I don’t want to be the one to make you realize you can’t keep gaslighting people because you don’t know how to deal with yourself. That there are consequences to your actions. I also don’t want you to think that it’s okay to walk out whenever you want and return when you please. 

 You know it’s funny you constantly tell me to speak up for myself more in life yet you’re the first to shut me down. 


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