Posted in Life, Mental Health

How did we get here

Silence is our biggest enemy. We fear it more than anything because that’s when we fall into the oblivion of our mind.

Maybe that’s why we were so good with each other. Maybe we just made it work to ease our minds for awhile. Maybe we were just there as a voice to drown out the suffocating thoughts. Maybe we treated each other as a means to a personal end. Maybe we didn’t care for each other at all. Maybe we just didn’t want to be alone with the thoughts inside our own head. Maybe we were true friends who were just too broken. Maybe we cared about each other too much.

 Or maybe, just maybe, I loved you and all of your broken pieces and you just didn’t love me and all of mine. 

Posted in Life, Self love

What if I told you I’m overweight?

What if I told you I’m 20lbs overweight. Would you believe me?

According to Canada’s Body Mass Index calculator I am not in the weight range I should be for my height. The healthy range for a woman of my stature (5′) is between.. wait for it.. 98-128lbs. How much do I weigh? 147lbs. And two years ago I was 208lbs. 

Does this bother me? Yes. Am I healthy? Yes. Am I happy? You can bet your ass I am.

 Throughout my weight loss journey I was asked a wide array of questions but the number one question I received was:

“What’s your goal weight?”

In my mind 120lbs sounded like the perfect number but I never did share this with anyone. I would respond with I don’t know. Because I really didn’t. You see overtime my weight loss journey changed my whole perception on life. I’m not concerned about the number I see on the scale, I’m concerned about my wellbeing. My happiness. 

People tend to assume a weighloss transformation is purely based on physical abilities or lack thereof. Sure it takes physical strength but even more so it requires emotional strength. I used to think once I was thin I would be happy. My life would be perfect and all of my problems would disappear. What’s worse? I’m not the only one to feel that way. 

Problems don’t go away when you one day achieve a certain weight on the scale and happiness doesn’t suddenly appear. Guys, I spent so much time thinking I would be happier if I was thin. I would be well-liked if I was pretty etc.. the irony? This way of thinking is what held me back for so long. Look at it like this: if I want to be happy I should be fuckin happy. I won’t be happy if I’m thin. I’ll be happy because I am. Because I look at the brighter side of life. Because the sun is shining. Because life is short and it only seems long. It sounds fuckin cheesy, I know. But what good has overthinking done anyone? Nothing. What’s achieved when you learn to enjoy your life in the moment? Happiness. 

So now when I’m asked what my goal weight is I respond with one word: happiness 

I know, I know. You’re shaking your head thinking “But Lindsay, How we do attach a number to that?” I’ll tell you. We don’t. We measure it by how we feel, what we wear and how we start to carry ourselves. Call it an epiphany, a shift in mindset, whatever you like. 



It saved my life. 

When you spend most of your life overweight your perception on reality becomes blurred. You believe all the awful things said about you. You believe the media when they say you’re not attractive and each negative comment left scars you cannot see. Men and women treated me as if I wasn’t good enough and only now, after all these years, have I stopped listening to them.

All I wanted growing up was to be beautiful. To have someone tell me I’m pretty and give me a little attention and affection. Seeking it became an addiction because it seemed so unattainable. So I grabbed it whenever I could. There’s truth in the saying “we accept the love we think we deserve”. This is what society lead me to believe I deserved. Second best. Whatever I can get. And I better be happy with it because I’m lucky to get even that. 

If I told you I was overweight you wouldn’t believe me and you’d tell me not to say that. But dare I tell you I’m intelligent, beautiful, kind hearted, thin, honest, confident and hilarious. You’d focus on the fact that I said I’m thin and think to yourself “Well she’s not that thin.”

Posted in Life, Mental Health

Look who’s crazy now

They say that if you want to achieve something you have to make a plan but until you have an actual map outlining how to reach your goals, they are merely your dreams and aspirations.

Today I’m going to outline how to achieve my one year goals. The first step is to make them realistic. They need to be attainable. I don’t want to stretch myself too thin because that will inevitably lead to me throwing in the towel before I break ground. This I know.
The hardest thing?

Starting.

Just fucking start.

I put so much pressure on the end result of… well, everything. My friends think I am absolutely ridiculous because I’m always planning things down to the smallest detail, lengths in advance. I can’t help it. It’s an anxiety thing. I think I need to have everything figured out at that very moment. I need to think of every possible scenario on how it may play out. I need to worry about what x, y and z will do/say, and all the ways I can fail. This is me. This is unavoidable. So I’m just going to start. This is me starting. This is huge. I’ve been so down. SO down. I haven’t felt this inspired in awhile and I’m not really sure what it is but I’m going to run with it as long as I can. All of this is incredibly new for me. I realize that I will learn along the way and my ideas will shift, grow, improve, crash and everything in between. This is important to know. When you anticipate obstacles and even failure you’ll be able to keep on keeping on. Failure, although it sucks, is what makes the victory so sweet.

Tip: Instead of saying “I don’t have enough time” try saying “it’s not a priority”. I guarantee it’ll help

I have a bad habit of starting something and not finishing it. Seriously, you should see how many posts I have sitting in drafts right now. I battle with anxiety and depression and it often make tasks incredibly overwhelming. While my intentions at this moment in time may be amazing, I have days where I am incredibly low. I mean the days where I can’t get out of bed and end up binge watching Netflix, or 1000’s of calories while completely letting my hygiene go by the way side. It’s bad. It’s really bad. I’m aware of it. I know it’s happening. I just can’t get out of it. I wish I could explain it, I really do. Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is that this is my attempt at pulling myself out of it. By putting it out there, and holding myself accountable, I mean really accountable, I can find a purpose and move forward. I need a purpose. I need to work towards my goals and aspirations. I need to show people that I can move forward despite my setbacks and that I can come back stronger and smarter than before.

I am not my illness; I am not depression, I am not anxiety, and I am anything but weak. My illness does not define me. I will not go down without a fight.

I will continue to build my blog and tirelessly pursue this life, a life where I help others. I want to live a life of happiness, a life of adventure. I want to show you that you can be yourself wholeheartedly and that the best version of you is YOU. Don’t conform, don’t fold your hand and don’t listen to all the shit talk. Do you and don’t let anyone stop you. Unless of course you’re planning on killing someone or robbing a bank. Don’t do that. Definitely don’t do that. Look what I’m trying to say here is, if you want something, I mean, really want something, you must work for it. Don’t wait. Work towards it every day. Success isn’t owned, its borrowed. Its borrowed and those who have it work for it every day of their lives.

I have been struggling for the past two years with my career path. I’ve spent more time unemployed, depressed and anxiety ridden than I have employed, happy and pursuing my dreams. I spent a lot of time getting knocked the fuck down being told I wasn’t good enough and you know what? Over time, I believed them. I started thinking that I wasn’t good enough. I figured, they’re right. After all, they would know. How ridiculous is that? Who am I to let someone else make me feel as if I’m not good enough.

If you’ve ever made anyone feel as if they’re not good enough I have a few words for you: You’re a piece of shit. Okay I realize we’ve all done it and it comes off sounding terribly harsh but I’m at a place in my life where I see how damaging and awful that is. I’ve seen how it can hold someone back. Shit, I’ve dealt with it first hand. Now I know. I know how important it is to let someone dream. To encourage people and build them up rather than knock them down.

Inspiring people will take them a lot further than criticizing ever will. That’s a fact and you can take it straight to the bank. Build someone up instead of knocking them down and my god, you’ll be amazed at what they can accomplish.

They say if you want to achieve something you need to make a plan. I always wondered who “they” really were. Now I know. They’re the ones that don’t give up. The ones that don’t care what they’re told. The ones that bust their ass every single day until they get what they want. They’re the underdogs. The ones that have been told they’re not good enough. They are the strongest people in the world because they aren’t afraid of failure and struggle. They’ve been there and done that and it inspires them, in fact, they thrive off it! They know that shit’s going to go wrong, its inevitable but its all about working through it, in spite of it. They know that in order to get to where they’re meant to be they need to go through the highs but, more importantly, the lows and that everything that’s happening in their life is pushing them to where they’re meant to be. You will receive skepticism. You will receive an ignorant tirade of advice on how you should be realistic. You’ll be told to stop dreaming. Don’t. Don’t ever stop dreaming. Pursue every idea you have no matter how ridiculous people may think you are.

Don’t listen to the opinions of others. Trust yourself. Be a misfit. Be different. Refuse to give up. Refuse to conform. Refuse to settle. Be fucking amazing!

And never, ever, stop pursuing your dreams. A man once thought we should sell bottled water and everyone thought he was crazy… look who’s crazy now.