I love you. I miss you.

You would be so fucking proud of me. So proud. For speaking up. For taking my voice back. For finally fucking writing and not being afraid. I love you dearly because I know now that you said you were doing me a favour because you did not want to hurt me. Because we love each other dearly.

We are not equipped to love people. We are not equipped to share feelings without breaking down and we fear showing someone a side of us that in turn they won’t want to deal with. We hate to burden in fear of someone throwing in the towel. 

Our feelings are a carbon copy of how we feel inside and we feel everything the same way. I know this because I did the same thing to you. I prompted a conversation knowing it would push you away because I love you and didn’t want you to give up on me. You think you’re doing me less harm by staying away and in turn protecting yourself but know that we’re both hurting immensely.  

Unconditional love is knowing that you can and will do wrong because nobody is perfect. But love is about working through the bull shit. Trudging through those awful times to come out on top and celebrate the triumphs together.

I love you. I miss you. You gave me this strength. We aren’t friends but you told me I had a voice and you told me I could do anything, just like I tell you. Because we believe in each other. 

 So thank you from the bottom of my heart for being the person you are. We are perfectly imperfect and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I hope you’re well. I hope you find this strength and courage on your darkest of hours knowing I’m still in your corner and always will be. I miss you more than anything.  This is for you. For me. For all of us.

Water your fuckin’ lawn

Our generation is unwilling to commit.

We are afraid to be vulnerable. In order to get someone’s attention, instead of starting a conversation- we ignore them. We play mind games. We want to appear as if we couldn’t care less in fear of caring too much. Weeks of dancing around the very idea of a relationship without ever labeling it a relationship. And the sad truth? In our minds, the person who cares less, they hold all the power.

I understand heartbreak, I understand trust issues and I understand being afraid of commitment. But this… I’ll never understand.

Rather than being with one person we like to entertain multiple people for a constant string of happiness. The advancements in technology have created a whole other level of narcissism. Our narcissistic ego’s are fed by constant likes, comments and retweets. The need for instant gratification couldn’t be in higher demand. We want what we want, when we want it. We don’t like to work for what we want because everything has always been readily available. If we can’t get it from person X we’ve got person Y and Z to hit up on the way home. The need for attention and affection can be met almost instantly with what’s available at our finger tips.

Social media is a funny thing. Being that almost anything is available at your finger tips you tend to forget what you already have in front of you. Relationships online look glamorous, jobs look appealing, people look happy. It’s a facade. A highlight reel. Know that with every perfect picture there were 50 takes to get that one. With every blog post there are countless revisions. With every illustration there are hours of work behind it. With every relationship there is bickering, disagreements and sometimes tears. Work. Effort. We forget that this is the driving force behind what is in front of us. That if we want our lawn to be greener than the neighbours, we have to fuckin’ water it.

Why am I talking about this you ask? Last week I received a message from an individual on social media trying to spark a conversation. Before responding I took a quick scroll through his page. I noticed a post of him being rather intimate with another woman and decided to look further. I click her name and see a week prior she had posted a  note that read “Happy anniversary! Thanks for always putting up with me, I love you. ”

I instantly felt sad for her.  They genuinely looked happy yet here he was searching for greener pastures.

The point of life is simple. Be happy with what you have while working towards what you want.

Instant gratification gets old. If you constantly compare, if you focus on how happy others are and what they have you will never be happy with what’s in front of you.