Awake

The nights I lay awake in bed, I wonder if I’m in your head. Do you miss me or even care? These are the thoughts I cannot bare. I hate to think you gave up on me, but now I know what I did not see.

There are days when I miss you so, but I understand friends come and go. We cannot help if we do not change, so I’m walking away no longer afraid. My past is draped in sadness and despair, but I refuse to say it’s not fair. We all have struggles that’s a fact, just remember you can always bounce back.

The nights I lay awake in bed, I’ll always remember what you said. I hope you’re happy, I hope you’re well when I think of you now my heart swells. Friendships come and friendships go, I hope you know I still love you so. I’m not angry or even sad I’m thankful for the times we had.

I love you. I miss you.

You would be so fucking proud of me. So proud. For speaking up. For taking my voice back. For finally fucking writing and not being afraid. I love you dearly because I know now that you said you were doing me a favour because you did not want to hurt me. Because we love each other dearly.

We are not equipped to love people. We are not equipped to share feelings without breaking down and we fear showing someone a side of us that in turn they won’t want to deal with. We hate to burden in fear of someone throwing in the towel. 

Our feelings are a carbon copy of how we feel inside and we feel everything the same way. I know this because I did the same thing to you. I prompted a conversation knowing it would push you away because I love you and didn’t want you to give up on me. You think you’re doing me less harm by staying away and in turn protecting yourself but know that we’re both hurting immensely.  

Unconditional love is knowing that you can and will do wrong because nobody is perfect. But love is about working through the bull shit. Trudging through those awful times to come out on top and celebrate the triumphs together.

I love you. I miss you. You gave me this strength. We aren’t friends but you told me I had a voice and you told me I could do anything, just like I tell you. Because we believe in each other. 

 So thank you from the bottom of my heart for being the person you are. We are perfectly imperfect and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I hope you’re well. I hope you find this strength and courage on your darkest of hours knowing I’m still in your corner and always will be. I miss you more than anything.  This is for you. For me. For all of us.

I’m not disappointed. I’m angry.

Because you told me I could depend on you.
Because you told me you would be here for me.
Because I told you I didn’t want your charity.
Because I told you I just want your honesty.
Because I still accepted you into my home.

Because I made plans with you.
Because I told you I didn’t want to make plans with you.
Because I told you I didn’t want to be let down again.
Because you assured me this time was different.
Because you told me people aren’t all bad.
Because you told me money doesn’t matter.
Because you told me what matters are friendships and relationships.
Because you told me I shouldn’t go through this alone.
Because I told you I cannot rely on people.
Because I told you I don’t care when I do.
Because I told you I feel empty inside.
Because I really feel too much.

Because I cannot gauge if a person is sincere.
Because I think everyone has an ulterior motive.
Because I wanted to figure out your angle.
Because I wanted to trust you.
Because I wanted you to be a genuine person.
Because I wanted to change your perception.
Because I wanted your acceptance.

Because I do not understand.
Because I let you see my vulnerability.
Because I cried on your shoulder.
Because I believed you when you said you cared.
Because I told my friends they were wrong about you.
Because I’m tired of being let down.
Because I’m done saying I understand.
Because my time is just as important.
Because I gave you an out.

Because why build someone up just to knock them the fuck down?

 

Deal with it

Friendships, relationships, life experiences, trials and tribulations. What’s the point behind them? Why do they have to be so fucking hard? I used to ask myself this constantly. We wonder what we did to deserve X Y and Z when really we need to change how we reflect on situations as a whole.

I ask you to consider the following when reflecting on any trials and tribulations in life. Were you GENUINELY happy or were you settling? Did you become comfortable and complacent or do you rise and fall for these driving forces? Gotcha. You’re sitting there thinking, aw fuck.. She’s right. How do I know this? Because I too wasn’t happy. I was living a life on autopilot. I accepted the life that I found to be comfortable. Easy. No problems. Only there were problems. I just didn’t think they were as important as they really are. You see if we don’t deal with problems head on they will, overtime, manifest themselves and creep up in areas of your life and slowly chip pieces of you away.

 

 

How did we get here

Silence is our biggest enemy. We fear it more than anything because that’s when we fall into the oblivion of our mind.

Maybe that’s why we were so good with each other. Maybe we just made it work to ease our minds for awhile. Maybe we were just there as a voice to drown out the suffocating thoughts. Maybe we treated each other as a means to a personal end. Maybe we didn’t care for each other at all. Maybe we just didn’t want to be alone with the thoughts inside our own head. Maybe we were true friends who were just too broken. Maybe we cared about each other too much.

 Or maybe, just maybe, I loved you and all of your broken pieces and you just didn’t love me and all of mine.