Which side are you on?

I’m scared.

Scared of the world we live in and the current climate with respect to sexual violence against women. This past year has impacted survivors in ways I’ll never be able to convey.

We are proud of ourselves for speaking up, for taking our voices back. Proud to know that because of women like us, Harvey Weinstein, will never hurt another soul or be able to abuse his power.

And he learned what happens in the dark will always come to light

In the next breath I’m sad and devastatingly broken. I say this because there are women that continue to support Donald Trump despite knowing how much of a sexual predator he is. Knowing his misogynistic views on women, his absurd views on equality yet willing to turn a blind eye. It hurts me to know this. It hurts me to know that some of our sisters are so delusional they’ll believe anything a man feeds them. The man was caught saying he grabbed women by the pussy, what more do you need?

I’ll never understand how a woman can rip another woman apart. In this day and age it’s so important to show women and children that if we stick together, nothing can stop us. Women face discrimination and harassment on a regular basis why would you want to be part of the problem?

If you’re not the oppressed, you’re the oppressor full stop.

How do we stop this? How do we as women move forward when even our sisters are trying to hold us back? Its a shame, really, because us women are fighting for all of you. For your rights. For your equality. We don’t care whether you believe us or not we just want to know that nobody has to suffer through what we did.

When women support other women, beautiful things happen. When women stay silent, they’re part of the problem. If you sit by while a man harasses a woman, if you shit all over a woman in front of a man, what do you think it does? It shows them that it’s okay. That we are willing to accept this. With Donald Trump in office men are more aggressive than ever. Now that men have witnessed a sexual predator climb to the highest office in power men speak and attack more openly. They no longer hide their disdain towards woman. They’ve been shown that it doesn’t matter if you commit sexual violence and it’s making men step out in ways they may never have before because they were waiting for a push.

In a world currently divided, I hope you’re on the right side. I hope you speak up for injustice and I hope you believe in your sisters as we’re doing this for all of you.

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Awake

The nights I lay awake in bed, I wonder if I’m in your head. Do you miss me or even care? These are the thoughts I cannot bare. I hate to think you gave up on me, but now I know what I did not see.

There are days when I miss you so, but I understand friends come and go. We cannot help if we do not change, so I’m walking away no longer afraid. My past is draped in sadness and despair, but I refuse to say it’s not fair. We all have struggles that’s a fact, just remember you can always bounce back.

The nights I lay awake in bed, I’ll always remember what you said. I hope you’re happy, I hope you’re well when I think of you now my heart swells. Friendships come and friendships go, I hope you know I still love you so. I’m not angry or even sad I’m thankful for the times we had.

I love you. I miss you.

You would be so fucking proud of me. So proud. For speaking up. For taking my voice back. For finally fucking writing and not being afraid. I love you dearly because I know now that you said you were doing me a favour because you did not want to hurt me. Because we love each other dearly.

We are not equipped to love people. We are not equipped to share feelings without breaking down and we fear showing someone a side of us that in turn they won’t want to deal with. We hate to burden in fear of someone throwing in the towel. 

Our feelings are a carbon copy of how we feel inside and we feel everything the same way. I know this because I did the same thing to you. I prompted a conversation knowing it would push you away because I love you and didn’t want you to give up on me. You think you’re doing me less harm by staying away and in turn protecting yourself but know that we’re both hurting immensely.  

Unconditional love is knowing that you can and will do wrong because nobody is perfect. But love is about working through the bull shit. Trudging through those awful times to come out on top and celebrate the triumphs together.

I love you. I miss you. You gave me this strength. We aren’t friends but you told me I had a voice and you told me I could do anything, just like I tell you. Because we believe in each other. 

 So thank you from the bottom of my heart for being the person you are. We are perfectly imperfect and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I hope you’re well. I hope you find this strength and courage on your darkest of hours knowing I’m still in your corner and always will be. I miss you more than anything.  This is for you. For me. For all of us.

“Fuckin’ white people”

“North American people are the only ones to line up for something as enjoyable as coffee just to take it and go sit on their ass at work.”

I’m paraphrasing this a touch. My friend started it off with “Fucking white people.” I didn’t see his point of view before, but overtime I’ve come to realize what he was really trying to get at:

There is a huge difference between North American culture compared to European and South American culture.

“Hi, I’d like, an extra-large coffee with two milks and a sleeve for the cup.” I say after waiting in line for ten minutes. It takes them two (maybe two and a half) minutes to get my order. During this time, I’m staring at my phone to make sure I’m not late for work.

“Extra large with two milks.” I hear from behind the counter. I smile and grab my coffee and check the time once more. I walk out the door like the rest of the cattle people heading to be branded with coffee in hand. By the time I get to work and settle in for the day, my fresh, hot coffee is now warm at best and piss cold it is when I’m finished.

(Editor’s note: I literally just had to nuke my latte because it’d gone cold while working!)

Now, in Europe or even South America the culture is very different. The emphasis isn’t put on the rat race and competition but more hard work and enjoyment. They’re happy to bust their ass and work hard day-to-day, but when it comes time to enjoy something they’re going to enjoy it knowing they’ve earned it.

I believe the point my friend was trying to make here was this: when you take a coffee to go you take the simple pleasure out of it. In Europe and South America, the culture is a much slower pace. They bust their ass hard at work but when it comes time to enjoy something or celebrate a win they’re going to kick back and do just that. Because they know not only that they’ve earned it, they deserve it.

I can’t tell you the last time my coffee was hot from start-to-finish, let alone the last time I sat in a café for pleasure.

North Americans have stopped taking the time to enjoy themselves because they no longer believe they deserve it. While life is about progression it’s also about enjoying life in the moment. We put so much emphasis on being successful that we stop enjoying the time it takes for us to reach the level of success we desire/aspire to reach. We’ve lost how to sit back and enjoy something because we’re always looking for that instant gratification. Working through obstacles to reach a goal is what makes the victories and accomplishments so sweet.

And what happens when we do accomplish something? We downplay it. Erase the significance, and move the goal post, rather than, I don’t know, celebrating it? What’s the point? We’re working towards these goals with no real destination and no satisfaction once reached. We equate happiness and enjoyment with a reward we refuse to give ourselves, and that can’t be how life works. If you’re always moving your goal post, you’re going to live a very sad life.

To erase the significance of a win is to deny yourself happiness. This is unacceptable. We are not perfect, we are human. We can and must celebrate the small wins because know this: a win is a win. The only person who can let that win be taken away from you, is you. You may be asked what’s next. You may be asked now what? You may be asked why are you celebrating? The beauty? That’s for you to decide.

Happiness is all you see

Down down the hole I go where I am nobody knows.  Am I ignoring you or at an all time low?

Up up smiling again trudging through the week ahead. Happiness is all you see but know it’s pain inside of me.