Happiness is all you see

Down down the hole I go where I am nobody knows.  Am I ignoring you or at an all time low?

Up up smiling again trudging through the week ahead. Happiness is all you see but know it’s pain inside of me.

What would make you happy?

I sit here with this question ringing in my head since a friend so bluntly asked me this on Friday.

“I don’t know.”

I sat there struggling to find words because I realized I have no idea.  I continued to tell him that I don’t know if I will ever feel happy again. I explained that I may appear happy, angry or even sad but I don’t feel it. I don’t feel it inside. I feel nothing. I feel like an empty vessel. I think if you shook me I would sound hollow and the echoes would carry on forever.

I began to sob and without thinking he pulled me towards him wrapping his arms around me. We sat there for what felt like a lifetime in silence while I sobbed on his shoulder aching to feel something. Anything.

OOTD – perspective 

You can think yourself out of happiness a million times over. I know it. I’ve done it. But what did overthinking do for me? Nothing. Not once did it make me happy, it didn’t change a situation, it just made me miserable. Change your perspective and you’ll change your life.

Happy hump day, friends! Nothing makes this girl happier than some sun and warmer weather. ☺️

Perspective friends, it makes a difference! 

Never conform

Alright people we’re a 3rd of the way through 2017, let’s try and educate ourselves on sexism. Quite frankly, it’s embarrassing. As humans we just ask to be treated equally.

You know those posts on Facebook you try to scroll past, but can’t help reading through the garbage fire? The ones that are so ridiculous you almost think it has to be there as click bait. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. The small minded posts that are most commonly shared by small town friends who never grew up after high school.

Know this: I never feed into this shit. I like to think I have better things to do with my time than argue on the internet. But on Sunday morning, I did just that. Hear me out: only because this post is part of a much larger issue at hand.

Alright ladies were a 3rd of the way through 2017, let’s put the “duck face” and sharpie markers behind us, frankly I’m gonna say it, it’s not a good look and as a human we prefer a smile and less paint, not hatin just lookin out for my beauties

Woooow,” was my first thought as I continued scrolling. Five minutes later, I was still angry over what I read and scrolled back up. I respond mimicking the original post to show the irony:

Alright gentleman we’re a 3rd of the way through 2017, let’s retire the idea that women wear makeup for the sole purpose of appealing to men. It’s not a good look and as humans we prefer you keep your opinions to yourself

Why did I say this? Why was I so angry? Why was his post so toxic? I’ll tell you. He singled our gender out without reflecting on his own. He decided to collectively voice what he thought was everyone’s opinion without understanding how much of a walking contradiction he was. He decided he knew better than women.

Both men and women have been photographed with a duck face so why single out one gender? You will find women AND men wear makeup for many different reasons. Is appealing to men on that list? Perhaps. Should that automatically open up the door for your criticism and an urgency to stop because it’s not what turns you on? No. Absolutely not. Just because one individual isn’t attracted to that person or a certain trend, doesn’t mean someone else won’t be.

Would you tell a fat person, “I’m sorry, it’s not a good look. We as humans prefer someone small?

You wouldn’t; at least you shouldn’t. Because it’s rude. Understand, I’ve spent so much time hating the way I looked because I listened to others more than myself. If a man told me I wasn’t ‘a good look’, I believed them. Over time, that warped my perception. I thought that was all that mattered. I thought until I conformed to other people’s standards, I would never be beautiful, I would never be loved, and I would never be happy. Words are crippling and we throw them around so carelessly.

I sit here, urging you, to never conform to another person’s beauty standards. Do You Hear Me?

I wanted to tell this man, this man who thought his opinion was the be-all-end-all, that makeup is a form of self expression. It is self confidence, a lack of confidence and more. And you know what? We all have to start somewhere. I wonder, would you walk into the gym and shit on someone who was 300lbs lifting weights? No. Because they’re there trying to better themselves. So maybe we’re trying to better ourselves, maybe we’re a beginner, maybe we’re just trying something out. Regardless, nobody has the right to tell us to stop. Especially a man. We are much more than the makeup we wear and we’re not here just to be admired. We’re not an ornament you hang on your tree. We’re humans.

Alright people we’re a 3rd of the way through 2017, let’s try and educate ourselves on sexism. Quite frankly, it’s embarrassing. As humans we just ask to be treated equally.

Moment of clarity

Once upon a time, I was in an interview and was asked
“What are two television shows you’re not willing to miss and why do you enjoy them?”

Immediately, I thought, “You’ve got to be kidding. How is this possibly relevant?”

I sat there and thought about it. I mean really thought about it. It was such a left turn I had no idea what to say. After a few seconds (that felt more like hours) I said something that surprised not only this person but myself included.

I started off telling them about Scandal. It’s because the main character is a fixer of sorts. No matter the state of her life she takes time to help others and solve their problems. Olivia Pope is a strong, independent power house trying to do better. White hat and all. I find that admirable. She is goal oriented and plows through obstacles with determination. Never afraid to go after what she wants, and not stopping until she gets it.

There’s something to say about the Strong Woman. While I’m impressed by the strength and determination of people- I am most impressed by a successful woman. What people neglect to realize is how often a Strong Woman gets shut down by others. How many moments there are she is not taken seriously. Because she’s a woman. And having an opinion different from her counterpart can almost guarantee her being gas-lit. She has to work ten times harder to get to where to be.

Next, I talked about Mad About You. This show make me giggle like a mf, but the more I watched the more I realized I really relate to Helen Hunts character. If you remember, she’s struggling in the beginning. She left her job and isn’t quite sure what she’s going to do now. She wants to do more. Be part of something meaningful, to help in ways that drives her. And that’s where I’m at, so I relate. We can all relate to that idea. Unsure of the path we want to take but fairly confident of the one we don’t want to follow.

This question threw me off and annoyed the hell out of me, at first. But this question not only gave my employer insight, having to explain my choices and what drew me to them gave me insight as well. What I want and don’t want in this life.

Call it a Moment of Clarity. ‘I don’t want this. This is not my answer.’ I’m still searching for my answer but I knew it wasn’t in that interview. And it wasn’t in the job they proceeded to offer.