OOTD – work edition

Forever debating chopping all my hair off and shaving my head. Until then it’s up in a hair clip for my indecisive ass.

I’m not disappointed. I’m angry.

Because you told me I could depend on you.
Because you told me you would be here for me.
Because I told you I didn’t want your charity.
Because I told you I just want your honesty.
Because I still accepted you into my home.

Because I made plans with you.
Because I told you I didn’t want to make plans with you.
Because I told you I didn’t want to be let down again.
Because you assured me this time was different.
Because you told me people aren’t all bad.
Because you told me money doesn’t matter.
Because you told me what matters are friendships and relationships.
Because you told me I shouldn’t go through this alone.
Because I told you I cannot rely on people.
Because I told you I don’t care when I do.
Because I told you I feel empty inside.
Because I really feel too much.

Because I cannot gauge if a person is sincere.
Because I think everyone has an ulterior motive.
Because I wanted to figure out your angle.
Because I wanted to trust you.
Because I wanted you to be a genuine person.
Because I wanted to change your perception.
Because I wanted your acceptance.

Because I do not understand.
Because I let you see my vulnerability.
Because I cried on your shoulder.
Because I believed you when you said you cared.
Because I told my friends they were wrong about you.
Because I’m tired of being let down.
Because I’m done saying I understand.
Because my time is just as important.
Because I gave you an out.

Because why build someone up just to knock them the fuck down?


Never conform

Alright people we’re a 3rd of the way through 2017, let’s try and educate ourselves on sexism. Quite frankly, it’s embarrassing. As humans we just ask to be treated equally.

You know those posts on Facebook you try to scroll past, but can’t help reading through the garbage fire? The ones that are so ridiculous you almost think it has to be there as click bait. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. The small minded posts that are most commonly shared by small town friends who never grew up after high school.

Know this: I never feed into this shit. I like to think I have better things to do with my time than argue on the internet. But on Sunday morning, I did just that. Hear me out: only because this post is part of a much larger issue at hand.

Alright ladies were a 3rd of the way through 2017, let’s put the “duck face” and sharpie markers behind us, frankly I’m gonna say it, it’s not a good look and as a human we prefer a smile and less paint, not hatin just lookin out for my beauties

Woooow,” was my first thought as I continued scrolling. Five minutes later, I was still angry over what I read and scrolled back up. I respond mimicking the original post to show the irony:

Alright gentleman we’re a 3rd of the way through 2017, let’s retire the idea that women wear makeup for the sole purpose of appealing to men. It’s not a good look and as humans we prefer you keep your opinions to yourself

Why did I say this? Why was I so angry? Why was his post so toxic? I’ll tell you. He singled our gender out without reflecting on his own. He decided to collectively voice what he thought was everyone’s opinion without understanding how much of a walking contradiction he was. He decided he knew better than women.

Both men and women have been photographed with a duck face so why single out one gender? You will find women AND men wear makeup for many different reasons. Is appealing to men on that list? Perhaps. Should that automatically open up the door for your criticism and an urgency to stop because it’s not what turns you on? No. Absolutely not. Just because one individual isn’t attracted to that person or a certain trend, doesn’t mean someone else won’t be.

Would you tell a fat person, “I’m sorry, it’s not a good look. We as humans prefer someone small?

You wouldn’t; at least you shouldn’t. Because it’s rude. Understand, I’ve spent so much time hating the way I looked because I listened to others more than myself. If a man told me I wasn’t ‘a good look’, I believed them. Over time, that warped my perception. I thought that was all that mattered. I thought until I conformed to other people’s standards, I would never be beautiful, I would never be loved, and I would never be happy. Words are crippling and we throw them around so carelessly.

I sit here, urging you, to never conform to another person’s beauty standards. Do You Hear Me?

I wanted to tell this man, this man who thought his opinion was the be-all-end-all, that makeup is a form of self expression. It is self confidence, a lack of confidence and more. And you know what? We all have to start somewhere. I wonder, would you walk into the gym and shit on someone who was 300lbs lifting weights? No. Because they’re there trying to better themselves. So maybe we’re trying to better ourselves, maybe we’re a beginner, maybe we’re just trying something out. Regardless, nobody has the right to tell us to stop. Especially a man. We are much more than the makeup we wear and we’re not here just to be admired. We’re not an ornament you hang on your tree. We’re humans.

Alright people we’re a 3rd of the way through 2017, let’s try and educate ourselves on sexism. Quite frankly, it’s embarrassing. As humans we just ask to be treated equally.

Under the microscope

Today my weight was attacked by a man who must have been in his 50’s. Yes, you read that right. In his 50’s. My father’s age.  So bear with me for a minute.

Fat is a word that used to feel like a blow to the chest. It is a word that I’d pretend wouldn’t bother me, but overtime caused more psychological damage than  even I realized. It is a word that holds such power and can be so crippling and we throw it around like its nothing.

 Fact: We live in a world where women are constantly under the microscope for everything they do.

From the way we look to the way we carry ourselves. We also live in a world that tells you if you if you don’t fall into the social standards that you’re simply not good enough. You deserve less. This is the ideal woman and until you fit this criteria you must be striving to obtain it. Wrong.

Yes, I am fat. I am also smart, loving, kindhearted, strong, healthy and let’s not forget fucking hilarious. My weight holds no bearing on who I am as a person. It does not mean I deserve less, it does not mean I should accept whatever attention comes my way and it does not give you the right to throw it in my face like I should be ashamed.

I know this. But you know what? There are men, women and most importantly children that don’t. That think they’re not good enough simply because of the negative connotation attached to this word. Stop attacking people for their size. Whether it be a knee-jerk reaction to being pissed off or intentionally attacking someone it’s unacceptable. While you walk away unscathed the person you’ve insulted walks away carrying that with them.

This man knew damn well the power behind this word especially with women. He, like many others, went to it in a moment of weakness. Why? Because he believes that’s all that matters about a woman. It’s not. It never has, and it never should be.

Always remember your friends are meant to lift you up, not put you down.


Easy like Sunday morning

I’ve added a few goals to my diet this week, and eating more veggies is one of them. I don’t know about you, but I never feel like I’m getting enough. That said, I figured since breakfast is still my most neglected meal of the day, why not start there? I mean what better way to start the morning than with a smoothie!


1 1/2 cups of almond milk
2 cups of spinach
1/2 cup of fresh/frozen strawberries
1/2 cup of fresh/frozen bananas

This is hands down the easiest way for me to add more vegetables to my diet. If you’re anything like me and you can’t stand the thought of oatmeal for breakfast (dress it up all you want, it’s still oatmeal) or have trouble eating a full breakfast, I definitely suggest a smoothie. It’s quick, easy and tastes divine. What more do you need?


Mirror mirror on the wall

When was the last time you looked in a mirror and liked what you saw? I mean REALLY appreciated your body for all that it is. Imperfections and all. I can honestly say that after twenty five years I’ve finally fallen in love with my body and all of it’s imperfections. Crazy, right? I mean in a world where we’re shamed for not looking a certain way who would think it’s possible?


This epiphany of course came after an unfortunate encounter with an unpleasant individual on a dating app. First let me start by saying:

If a boy ever responds to you with feeble insults after you’ve declined an invitation you’ve made the appropriate decision.

I say boy because a man would not act in such a way. Anyway, in short this individual decided to insult me after I wouldn’t respond to a question he had asked. I explained to him that wasn’t how this works and he quipped “When was the last time you looked in a mirror”? As if my looks held any sort of baring on what I deserve. Six months ago those words would have pierced like a knife. Shit, an off day and I’d of stayed in bed licking my wounds. It was then however I realized after twenty five years these comments no longer feel like a blow to the chest.

You see, this person doesn’t know me. He doesn’t know that for the past six months I’ve developed a whole new lifestyle. He doesn’t know that my body can do things in the gym it wasn’t able to do two months ago. He doesn’t know that throughout the past six months I’ve fallen in love with my body and have learned how to appreciate my reflection in the mirror more than ever.


Once I allowed myself to feel comfortable in my own skin I realized I was no longer held captive by the words of others. While society may suggest I settle for whatever comes my way I now know I don’t have to. For anyone. If I can ask one thing of all of you it’s that you don’t settle. Not for anything. If someone you’re with makes you unhappy, leave. If you hate your job, quit. It’s that simple. Find a new opportunity, a new love interest, a new life. Start fresh.

I guess that’s why I’m here. To start fresh and share/explore new opportunities after twenty five.