Which side are you on?

I’m scared.

Scared of the world we live in and the current climate with respect to sexual violence against women. This past year has impacted survivors in ways I’ll never be able to convey.

We are proud of ourselves for speaking up, for taking our voices back. Proud to know that because of women like us, Harvey Weinstein, will never hurt another soul or be able to abuse his power.

And he learned what happens in the dark will always come to light

In the next breath I’m sad and devastatingly broken. I say this because there are women that continue to support Donald Trump despite knowing how much of a sexual predator he is. Knowing his misogynistic views on women, his absurd views on equality yet willing to turn a blind eye. It hurts me to know this. It hurts me to know that some of our sisters are so delusional they’ll believe anything a man feeds them. The man was caught saying he grabbed women by the pussy, what more do you need?

I’ll never understand how a woman can rip another woman apart. In this day and age it’s so important to show women and children that if we stick together, nothing can stop us. Women face discrimination and harassment on a regular basis why would you want to be part of the problem?

If you’re not the oppressed, you’re the oppressor full stop.

How do we stop this? How do we as women move forward when even our sisters are trying to hold us back? Its a shame, really, because us women are fighting for all of you. For your rights. For your equality. We don’t care whether you believe us or not we just want to know that nobody has to suffer through what we did.

When women support other women, beautiful things happen. When women stay silent, they’re part of the problem. If you sit by while a man harasses a woman, if you shit all over a woman in front of a man, what do you think it does? It shows them that it’s okay. That we are willing to accept this. With Donald Trump in office men are more aggressive than ever. Now that men have witnessed a sexual predator climb to the highest office in power men speak and attack more openly. They no longer hide their disdain towards woman. They’ve been shown that it doesn’t matter if you commit sexual violence and it’s making men step out in ways they may never have before because they were waiting for a push.

In a world currently divided, I hope you’re on the right side. I hope you speak up for injustice and I hope you believe in your sisters as we’re doing this for all of you.

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I love you. I miss you.

You would be so fucking proud of me. So proud. For speaking up. For taking my voice back. For finally fucking writing and not being afraid. I love you dearly because I know now that you said you were doing me a favour because you did not want to hurt me. Because we love each other dearly.

We are not equipped to love people. We are not equipped to share feelings without breaking down and we fear showing someone a side of us that in turn they won’t want to deal with. We hate to burden in fear of someone throwing in the towel. 

Our feelings are a carbon copy of how we feel inside and we feel everything the same way. I know this because I did the same thing to you. I prompted a conversation knowing it would push you away because I love you and didn’t want you to give up on me. You think you’re doing me less harm by staying away and in turn protecting yourself but know that we’re both hurting immensely.  

Unconditional love is knowing that you can and will do wrong because nobody is perfect. But love is about working through the bull shit. Trudging through those awful times to come out on top and celebrate the triumphs together.

I love you. I miss you. You gave me this strength. We aren’t friends but you told me I had a voice and you told me I could do anything, just like I tell you. Because we believe in each other. 

 So thank you from the bottom of my heart for being the person you are. We are perfectly imperfect and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I hope you’re well. I hope you find this strength and courage on your darkest of hours knowing I’m still in your corner and always will be. I miss you more than anything.  This is for you. For me. For all of us.

Happiness is all you see

Down down the hole I go where I am nobody knows.  Am I ignoring you or at an all time low?

Up up smiling again trudging through the week ahead. Happiness is all you see but know it’s pain inside of me.

I’m not disappointed. I’m angry.

Because you told me I could depend on you.
Because you told me you would be here for me.
Because I told you I didn’t want your charity.
Because I told you I just want your honesty.
Because I still accepted you into my home.

Because I made plans with you.
Because I told you I didn’t want to make plans with you.
Because I told you I didn’t want to be let down again.
Because you assured me this time was different.
Because you told me people aren’t all bad.
Because you told me money doesn’t matter.
Because you told me what matters are friendships and relationships.
Because you told me I shouldn’t go through this alone.
Because I told you I cannot rely on people.
Because I told you I don’t care when I do.
Because I told you I feel empty inside.
Because I really feel too much.

Because I cannot gauge if a person is sincere.
Because I think everyone has an ulterior motive.
Because I wanted to figure out your angle.
Because I wanted to trust you.
Because I wanted you to be a genuine person.
Because I wanted to change your perception.
Because I wanted your acceptance.

Because I do not understand.
Because I let you see my vulnerability.
Because I cried on your shoulder.
Because I believed you when you said you cared.
Because I told my friends they were wrong about you.
Because I’m tired of being let down.
Because I’m done saying I understand.
Because my time is just as important.
Because I gave you an out.

Because why build someone up just to knock them the fuck down?

 

Brooklyn, NY

I had a friend going through some really hard times in his life a couple months ago and they said the most devastating thing to me:

I just want someone to care. I’m not trying to be selfish I know my parents care about all of this stuff but that’s natural they’re my parents. I want someone who doesn’t have to care, who doesn’t have to check in but wants to. Someone who gives a shit.

I hate this for so many reasons. One because he felt selfish for wanting someone other than his parents to care for him when it’s essential for everyone in life. Two because I can’t do anything. 

Guys I have such a big heart and I mean it when I say it broke when he said this. This is a friend I met online and am unfortunately unable to physically be there for him. He doesn’t have a good support system. It sucks. I’ve been there. 

People underestimate how important it is for a healthy support system in your life. I’m not talking your family I’m talking people that don’t have to show up but still do. That check in just to see how you’re doing even when you haven’t hit them up in awhile. People to share your highs and lows with. People to support you when you have trouble supporting yourself.

We hate admitting we need someone or need help but understand it’s an essential part of life and being human. Asking for help doesn’t make you weak, it makes you strong. 

How did we get here

Silence is our biggest enemy. We fear it more than anything because that’s when we fall into the oblivion of our mind.

Maybe that’s why we were so good with each other. Maybe we just made it work to ease our minds for awhile. Maybe we were just there as a voice to drown out the suffocating thoughts. Maybe we treated each other as a means to a personal end. Maybe we didn’t care for each other at all. Maybe we just didn’t want to be alone with the thoughts inside our own head. Maybe we were true friends who were just too broken. Maybe we cared about each other too much.

 Or maybe, just maybe, I loved you and all of your broken pieces and you just didn’t love me and all of mine. 

What if I told you I’m overweight?

What if I told you I’m 20lbs overweight. Would you believe me?

According to Canada’s Body Mass Index calculator I am not in the weight range I should be for my height. The healthy range for a woman of my stature (5′) is between.. wait for it.. 98-128lbs. How much do I weigh? 147lbs. And two years ago I was 208lbs. 

Does this bother me? Yes. Am I healthy? Yes. Am I happy? You can bet your ass I am.

 Throughout my weight loss journey I was asked a wide array of questions but the number one question I received was:

“What’s your goal weight?”

In my mind 120lbs sounded like the perfect number but I never did share this with anyone. I would respond with I don’t know. Because I really didn’t. You see overtime my weight loss journey changed my whole perception on life. I’m not concerned about the number I see on the scale, I’m concerned about my wellbeing. My happiness. 

People tend to assume a weighloss transformation is purely based on physical abilities or lack thereof. Sure it takes physical strength but even more so it requires emotional strength. I used to think once I was thin I would be happy. My life would be perfect and all of my problems would disappear. What’s worse? I’m not the only one to feel that way. 

Problems don’t go away when you one day achieve a certain weight on the scale and happiness doesn’t suddenly appear. Guys, I spent so much time thinking I would be happier if I was thin. I would be well-liked if I was pretty etc.. the irony? This way of thinking is what held me back for so long. Look at it like this: if I want to be happy I should be fuckin happy. I won’t be happy if I’m thin. I’ll be happy because I am. Because I look at the brighter side of life. Because the sun is shining. Because life is short and it only seems long. It sounds fuckin cheesy, I know. But what good has overthinking done anyone? Nothing. What’s achieved when you learn to enjoy your life in the moment? Happiness. 

So now when I’m asked what my goal weight is I respond with one word: happiness 

I know, I know. You’re shaking your head thinking “But Lindsay, How we do attach a number to that?” I’ll tell you. We don’t. We measure it by how we feel, what we wear and how we start to carry ourselves. Call it an epiphany, a shift in mindset, whatever you like. 



It saved my life. 

When you spend most of your life overweight your perception on reality becomes blurred. You believe all the awful things said about you. You believe the media when they say you’re not attractive and each negative comment left scars you cannot see. Men and women treated me as if I wasn’t good enough and only now, after all these years, have I stopped listening to them.

All I wanted growing up was to be beautiful. To have someone tell me I’m pretty and give me a little attention and affection. Seeking it became an addiction because it seemed so unattainable. So I grabbed it whenever I could. There’s truth in the saying “we accept the love we think we deserve”. This is what society lead me to believe I deserved. Second best. Whatever I can get. And I better be happy with it because I’m lucky to get even that. 

If I told you I was overweight you wouldn’t believe me and you’d tell me not to say that. But dare I tell you I’m intelligent, beautiful, kind hearted, thin, honest, confident and hilarious. You’d focus on the fact that I said I’m thin and think to yourself “Well she’s not that thin.”